2:30 am and we are wide awake

My poor father, we ask a lot of him....

He has been crying out for his son today. I know he wants to see him badly. It breaks my heart when he asks "where's Don." He has also been doing a lot of talking to Johnny, Tempie, Cloda, and Mamie. He has called me Mamie a few times today and said you better watch it.

He had a port placed into his femoral artery so that dialysis could be completed. Watching the doctor place that in was very educational. He walked me through each step of the way.

Finally around 6 or so the Dialysis nurse came in and started dialysis. That procedure took about 4 hours and I enjoyed a nice chat with the nurse. She talked straight with me as if she were watching her own father. I really appreciated that. She did tell me he was actively dying and that it's coming. She told me that I should get in touch with Hospice so that it can be a more peaceful transition. I agree with her. We need to be prepared for this. I found myself having nightmares about his death. I dreamed that I would not let them take his body away, somehow that made it to final in my dreams.



I just can't get over that my dads health has deteriorated so fast and that his quality of life right now sucks. He told me today in a quick clear moment that we needed to be happy with whatever happened.

Now it is 3:30 am and just as I was writing this a crisis ensued....my dad jumped out of bed and said he was going to the bathroom. He can't even get up on his own but he sure was trying to get to the bathroom by himself. A disaster waiting to happen. He did not even make it to the bathroom and feces was all over the floor, which I tried to quickly clean up for him so that he would not be embarrassed. He fought me and fought me and once he made it to the toilet he collapsed, how he did not hurt himself I don't know. I had feces all over me so I just grin and wore it until I got him cleaned up.

Sorry if this is all over the place, I am sleep deprived.

I am on the verge of tears - just ready to release a huge cry. This is just to much to handle.